An Open Letter to Los Angeles

Dear LA,

I moved here in February, and well, I'm still here. There are a lot of things I hate about you, but I'm trying to figure out if it's all part of your charm. So, I decided to make a list in hopes that you will read this and change.

1. Are the potholes really necessary? I find it hard to believe a city with so much wealth could have so many holes. Like literally holes in the road that make my car scream for mercy. I mean if you can shut down the 405 for a weekend I'm sure you can close parts of Sunset to make my morning and afternoon commute a bit more enjoyable.

2. WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE LEFT TURN LANES? I understand the whole yield on green for left turns...but LA drivers are so aggressive that only 2 cars MAX end up making a left turn, and that's always after the light has already turned red. And really with the honking? Yes, I know I'm in the middle of the intersection while your light just turned green, but come on, you were probably in my situation 2 mins ago, CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

3. BIKE LANES, where are you?

4. I don't know if I hate LA for this, or myself. But why is it that every time I see a hot girl in LA driving an average car I think to myself, "wow, she must be doing something wrong."

5. Female celebs. For proving to me that yes, they do only eat half of a garden salad for lunch.

6. Men. No, you haven't seen me on TV, and no, I've never seen you before in my life so I don't know why I look familiar. LEAVE ME ALONE!

7. Crazy people. Yeah, you may think it's cute to weave in and out of oncoming traffic with your bike, but really, not safe dude, get in the non-existent bike lane.

8. Girls that wear makeup to workout. Yeah I understand Drew Barrymore works out at the Bar Method studio, and sure you may run into paparazzi after class, but really? You have to apply makeup before class? Like you are literally in the locker room putting your workout clothes on and applying makeup. Is this actually happening? No. No. I don't believe it. Someone KILL me.

9. Herve Leger bandage dresses. We know, they are cute, and they are 1300 dollars. But they are SOOOOOO played out. I am really excited that you can afford to wear that dress, but COME ON...we are watching the Lakers at a sports bar, is it necessary? I mean jeans and a shirt would've been just fine. But you want to step it up to Herve Leger? Ok. That's fine. Just don't come crying on my shoulder when some drunk a-hole spills beer on you.

10. $2300 for a one bedroom? No. It must be a typo.

11. Blow-out salons. Yes. They exist. Salons that just blow dry your hair. You know, because women don't know how to blow dry their own hair.

12. The lady at UPS with the $30,000 ostrich Birkin bag complaining about the $90 it would cost to overnight something to Europe. Listen lady, some of us have to get back to work, so throw your black AMEX on the counter and get out of my way.

13. Clubs. Remember when people actually danced at clubs? Now if you go to a club in LA girls stand around in skirts that are too short and heels that are too high to the point that they can't move. So everyone stands around like it's a 6th grade dance just staring at each other in envy. I'm staring at them too, but mostly because I want to fight them. And I'm pretty sure the guys can't move either because they all have sunglasses on and they can't see anything. IT'S NIGHTTIME. YOU DON'T NEED TO WEAR SUNGLASSES. THEY ARE TO PROTECT YOUR EYES FROM THE SUN. THAT'S WHY THEY ARE CALLED SUNGLASSES.

14. Dirty streets. LA reminds me of everything I hate about kids...dirty faces and sticky hands. Someone needs to power wash the entire city asap, including the people.

15. Traffic. I'm still trying to figure out why it takes me 45 minutes to drive 3 miles. When I find out, I'll let you know.

16. Persian guys in BMWs. Remember when Cher made a joke about this in the movie Clueless in the 90s? That's when you should've stopped driving BMWs. Pick a new car. We get it.

17. People who think I should know who they are. You're in what soap opera? You did that one show on Comedy Central? Yeah, I have no idea who the hell you are or what the hell you're talking about. Get the hell out of my way.

18. The parking meters on Melrose that don't take credit cards. People stopped carrying coins in 2003. Get with the program.

19. Hollywood Blvd. That street is cool for 2.5 seconds. Yeah yeah, stars on the ground, BFD. It's closed every other day for a movie premiere and then tourists stand around the movie premiere to catch a glimpse of the stars and they make my commute even harder. Seeing Justin Timberlake from 300 feet away is just not that exciting. Get a life.

20. Lack of parking. If you have a serious lack of parking you better be more bike friendly. Oh what, you don't have parking and you're not bike friendly? Well fuck you then.

Los Angeles, I hope you didn't find my list too offensive, but honesty is the best policy. Maybe we can go to counseling to discuss some of our differences, but in the meantime, let's love each other the best we can.

Sincerely yours,

Mona