No. Don't post that on Facebook. No, seriously. Stop.

Hi. I think it's time for us to have a heart to heart. You know your Facebook updates? Well, they really make me want to shoot you. But they not only make me want to shoot YOU, they make me want to turn the gun on MYSELF after. I mean really, the stuff you post, it's ridiculous.

Now I know what you're thinking..."Mona, you post dumb shit all the time. I don't care about your workouts. And who is this other Mona girl in all your pictures? You think I wanna see the pictures you guys take every other second?" Well, my answer to you is that other Mona girl in my pictures is pretty hot, so I know that deep down, you like seeing those pictures.

But listen, writing this is therapeutic for me too...maybe getting this all out in the open will help me realize the idiotic things I post on Facebook. So just go with it, and please, don't be offended if you are guilty of any of the following offenses...I'm only doing this to help you, and let's face it, other people (aka your mom) probably love the stupid things you post.

1. The pregnancy pictures need to stop. Don't worry, you're not the only one. I think 99.9 percent of pregnant women on Facebook are guilty of this. And I'm not talking about the professional pregnancy shots (oh wait, those are bad too). But you know the ones...where you're in the bathroom with the toilet behind you and you're holding your phone. Or you're laying in bed and your baby daddy is taking seductive pregnancy pictures and then posting them on your wall with the caption: "My love for you grows every time I feel him kick". Shouldn't that be kept between the two of you? And really, you had to create an album and post baby bump pictures once a month? No one cares about you or your baby. Ok sorry, that was extreme. I care about your baby, but not enough to see pictures of it (yes, I said "it") before it's born. We good? Cool.

2. One word status updates. For example: Sad, Happy, FML, :( , :) , FU. You know what I get from that? Nothing. It's such a waste of my life to look at that. And when you look back at your Facebook page in ten years, are you really going to know why you were happy facing on September 4, 2011? Yeah, I didn't think so. Cut it out.

3. Pictures from your vacation on a yacht in St. Tropez. There are only certain vacation pictures that should be allowed to be posted on Facebook...Mexico is cool, your road trip across the US is cool too, but anything super exotic such as a yacht in St. Tropez is a no-no. Mostly because I'm jealous I can't go, and I think it's really messed up of you to rub it in my face. But that's what you were trying to do, right? Make all your friends jealous? Good job...you made me fall into your trap.

4. When you ask people for their opinions on a topic and don't give yours. Example: What do you guys think of Obama's bus tour?...and then 345 of your friends post a comment bashing it, 3 people post a comment in support of it, and you just sit there staring at your screen wondering what the hell just happened. If you want to have an actual debate, you need to chime in and show people that you are intellectually capable of it.

5. People that still haven't figured out how Facebook works. If you don't know the difference between your wall and a friends wall, you need to get off Facebook. I'm tired of seeing: "Hi Todd, thanks for the birthday message" as your status update. It's really not that hard. If my parents can Facebook in their sleep, you can learn how to post something on a friends wall.

6. Pictures of you "living the dream" in Los Angeles. Oh look at me at this pool party in the Hollywood Hills, oh it's five minutes later and I'm at a fashion show at a mansion in Beverly Hills. Listen buddy, everyone knows it takes a lot longer to get from the Hollywood Hills to Beverly Hills - so you're obviously a liar. And, anyone who claims to love "absolutely everything" about Los Angeles is a psychopath. Boy I'm glad I de-friended you.

7. When you write on my wall to tell me to call you. Listen, I know I'm on Facebook a lot, but if you want me to call you, why don't you try picking up the phone and actually calling me. Or sending me a text? Your lack of awareness is actually disgraceful. (Drew, not talking about you)

8. Pictures of you with celebrities. I admit, I'm guilty of this too. But at least I'm not standing behind Paris Hilton four rows back at the BCBG fashion show pretending she is my BFF. And honestly, if you actually want people to think that you are BFFs with Paris Hilton, you clearly have some other issues you need to deal with.

9. Don't tag me in pictures I'm not in. I will let you off the hook if we looked at a tree together once and talked about how beautiful it was and you saw that tree again yesterday and you wanted to show it to me. But don't tag me in random stuff that I have no clue about. It's annoying and more importantly, it's really f-ing confusing.

10. Don't check me in with you somewhere without asking me if it's okay first. Listen, I know I can block that capability on my settings, but I feel like it's just common courtesy. Maybe I don't want anyone to know that I'm hanging out with you. Maybe the mere idea of you repulses me and I'm only hanging out with you because I feel bad for you. I don't need everyone to know that!

11. Information broadcasts. You're eating dinner right now? You're on the Metro going to work? Oh wow, that's really nice for you, but guess what? No one cares. I don't know if I am more sad for you because you're posting this useless crap or because you actually thought someone would care. And nope, not even your mom cares about this one. Nice try.

Ok, I know some of this stuff was hurtful, but think about it this way, your Facebook page can only go up from here!

In all seriousness though, I think we should all collectively make an effort to think twice before we post useless crap about our miserable lives on Facebook. You may think it's a good idea at the time, but I promise you, it's not. And if you don't think twice, I may have to delete you from my life forever. I know that means that I probably won't get an invite to your wedding. But guess what? I didn't want to go anyway.

Love,

Mona