No. Don't post that on Facebook. No, seriously. Stop.

Hi. I think it's time for us to have a heart to heart. You know your Facebook updates? Well, they really make me want to shoot you. But they not only make me want to shoot YOU, they make me want to turn the gun on MYSELF after. I mean really, the stuff you post, it's ridiculous.

Now I know what you're thinking..."Mona, you post dumb shit all the time. I don't care about your workouts. And who is this other Mona girl in all your pictures? You think I wanna see the pictures you guys take every other second?" Well, my answer to you is that other Mona girl in my pictures is pretty hot, so I know that deep down, you like seeing those pictures.

But listen, writing this is therapeutic for me too...maybe getting this all out in the open will help me realize the idiotic things I post on Facebook. So just go with it, and please, don't be offended if you are guilty of any of the following offenses...I'm only doing this to help you, and let's face it, other people (aka your mom) probably love the stupid things you post.

1. The pregnancy pictures need to stop. Don't worry, you're not the only one. I think 99.9 percent of pregnant women on Facebook are guilty of this. And I'm not talking about the professional pregnancy shots (oh wait, those are bad too). But you know the ones...where you're in the bathroom with the toilet behind you and you're holding your phone. Or you're laying in bed and your baby daddy is taking seductive pregnancy pictures and then posting them on your wall with the caption: "My love for you grows every time I feel him kick". Shouldn't that be kept between the two of you? And really, you had to create an album and post baby bump pictures once a month? No one cares about you or your baby. Ok sorry, that was extreme. I care about your baby, but not enough to see pictures of it (yes, I said "it") before it's born. We good? Cool.

2. One word status updates. For example: Sad, Happy, FML, :( , :) , FU. You know what I get from that? Nothing. It's such a waste of my life to look at that. And when you look back at your Facebook page in ten years, are you really going to know why you were happy facing on September 4, 2011? Yeah, I didn't think so. Cut it out.

3. Pictures from your vacation on a yacht in St. Tropez. There are only certain vacation pictures that should be allowed to be posted on Facebook...Mexico is cool, your road trip across the US is cool too, but anything super exotic such as a yacht in St. Tropez is a no-no. Mostly because I'm jealous I can't go, and I think it's really messed up of you to rub it in my face. But that's what you were trying to do, right? Make all your friends jealous? Good job...you made me fall into your trap.

4. When you ask people for their opinions on a topic and don't give yours. Example: What do you guys think of Obama's bus tour?...and then 345 of your friends post a comment bashing it, 3 people post a comment in support of it, and you just sit there staring at your screen wondering what the hell just happened. If you want to have an actual debate, you need to chime in and show people that you are intellectually capable of it.

5. People that still haven't figured out how Facebook works. If you don't know the difference between your wall and a friends wall, you need to get off Facebook. I'm tired of seeing: "Hi Todd, thanks for the birthday message" as your status update. It's really not that hard. If my parents can Facebook in their sleep, you can learn how to post something on a friends wall.

6. Pictures of you "living the dream" in Los Angeles. Oh look at me at this pool party in the Hollywood Hills, oh it's five minutes later and I'm at a fashion show at a mansion in Beverly Hills. Listen buddy, everyone knows it takes a lot longer to get from the Hollywood Hills to Beverly Hills - so you're obviously a liar. And, anyone who claims to love "absolutely everything" about Los Angeles is a psychopath. Boy I'm glad I de-friended you.

7. When you write on my wall to tell me to call you. Listen, I know I'm on Facebook a lot, but if you want me to call you, why don't you try picking up the phone and actually calling me. Or sending me a text? Your lack of awareness is actually disgraceful. (Drew, not talking about you)

8. Pictures of you with celebrities. I admit, I'm guilty of this too. But at least I'm not standing behind Paris Hilton four rows back at the BCBG fashion show pretending she is my BFF. And honestly, if you actually want people to think that you are BFFs with Paris Hilton, you clearly have some other issues you need to deal with.

9. Don't tag me in pictures I'm not in. I will let you off the hook if we looked at a tree together once and talked about how beautiful it was and you saw that tree again yesterday and you wanted to show it to me. But don't tag me in random stuff that I have no clue about. It's annoying and more importantly, it's really f-ing confusing.

10. Don't check me in with you somewhere without asking me if it's okay first. Listen, I know I can block that capability on my settings, but I feel like it's just common courtesy. Maybe I don't want anyone to know that I'm hanging out with you. Maybe the mere idea of you repulses me and I'm only hanging out with you because I feel bad for you. I don't need everyone to know that!

11. Information broadcasts. You're eating dinner right now? You're on the Metro going to work? Oh wow, that's really nice for you, but guess what? No one cares. I don't know if I am more sad for you because you're posting this useless crap or because you actually thought someone would care. And nope, not even your mom cares about this one. Nice try.

Ok, I know some of this stuff was hurtful, but think about it this way, your Facebook page can only go up from here!

In all seriousness though, I think we should all collectively make an effort to think twice before we post useless crap about our miserable lives on Facebook. You may think it's a good idea at the time, but I promise you, it's not. And if you don't think twice, I may have to delete you from my life forever. I know that means that I probably won't get an invite to your wedding. But guess what? I didn't want to go anyway.

Love,

Mona

An Open Letter to Los Angeles

Dear LA,

I moved here in February, and well, I'm still here. There are a lot of things I hate about you, but I'm trying to figure out if it's all part of your charm. So, I decided to make a list in hopes that you will read this and change.

1. Are the potholes really necessary? I find it hard to believe a city with so much wealth could have so many holes. Like literally holes in the road that make my car scream for mercy. I mean if you can shut down the 405 for a weekend I'm sure you can close parts of Sunset to make my morning and afternoon commute a bit more enjoyable.

2. WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE LEFT TURN LANES? I understand the whole yield on green for left turns...but LA drivers are so aggressive that only 2 cars MAX end up making a left turn, and that's always after the light has already turned red. And really with the honking? Yes, I know I'm in the middle of the intersection while your light just turned green, but come on, you were probably in my situation 2 mins ago, CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

3. BIKE LANES, where are you?

4. I don't know if I hate LA for this, or myself. But why is it that every time I see a hot girl in LA driving an average car I think to myself, "wow, she must be doing something wrong."

5. Female celebs. For proving to me that yes, they do only eat half of a garden salad for lunch.

6. Men. No, you haven't seen me on TV, and no, I've never seen you before in my life so I don't know why I look familiar. LEAVE ME ALONE!

7. Crazy people. Yeah, you may think it's cute to weave in and out of oncoming traffic with your bike, but really, not safe dude, get in the non-existent bike lane.

8. Girls that wear makeup to workout. Yeah I understand Drew Barrymore works out at the Bar Method studio, and sure you may run into paparazzi after class, but really? You have to apply makeup before class? Like you are literally in the locker room putting your workout clothes on and applying makeup. Is this actually happening? No. No. I don't believe it. Someone KILL me.

9. Herve Leger bandage dresses. We know, they are cute, and they are 1300 dollars. But they are SOOOOOO played out. I am really excited that you can afford to wear that dress, but COME ON...we are watching the Lakers at a sports bar, is it necessary? I mean jeans and a shirt would've been just fine. But you want to step it up to Herve Leger? Ok. That's fine. Just don't come crying on my shoulder when some drunk a-hole spills beer on you.

10. $2300 for a one bedroom? No. It must be a typo.

11. Blow-out salons. Yes. They exist. Salons that just blow dry your hair. You know, because women don't know how to blow dry their own hair.

12. The lady at UPS with the $30,000 ostrich Birkin bag complaining about the $90 it would cost to overnight something to Europe. Listen lady, some of us have to get back to work, so throw your black AMEX on the counter and get out of my way.

13. Clubs. Remember when people actually danced at clubs? Now if you go to a club in LA girls stand around in skirts that are too short and heels that are too high to the point that they can't move. So everyone stands around like it's a 6th grade dance just staring at each other in envy. I'm staring at them too, but mostly because I want to fight them. And I'm pretty sure the guys can't move either because they all have sunglasses on and they can't see anything. IT'S NIGHTTIME. YOU DON'T NEED TO WEAR SUNGLASSES. THEY ARE TO PROTECT YOUR EYES FROM THE SUN. THAT'S WHY THEY ARE CALLED SUNGLASSES.

14. Dirty streets. LA reminds me of everything I hate about kids...dirty faces and sticky hands. Someone needs to power wash the entire city asap, including the people.

15. Traffic. I'm still trying to figure out why it takes me 45 minutes to drive 3 miles. When I find out, I'll let you know.

16. Persian guys in BMWs. Remember when Cher made a joke about this in the movie Clueless in the 90s? That's when you should've stopped driving BMWs. Pick a new car. We get it.

17. People who think I should know who they are. You're in what soap opera? You did that one show on Comedy Central? Yeah, I have no idea who the hell you are or what the hell you're talking about. Get the hell out of my way.

18. The parking meters on Melrose that don't take credit cards. People stopped carrying coins in 2003. Get with the program.

19. Hollywood Blvd. That street is cool for 2.5 seconds. Yeah yeah, stars on the ground, BFD. It's closed every other day for a movie premiere and then tourists stand around the movie premiere to catch a glimpse of the stars and they make my commute even harder. Seeing Justin Timberlake from 300 feet away is just not that exciting. Get a life.

20. Lack of parking. If you have a serious lack of parking you better be more bike friendly. Oh what, you don't have parking and you're not bike friendly? Well fuck you then.

Los Angeles, I hope you didn't find my list too offensive, but honesty is the best policy. Maybe we can go to counseling to discuss some of our differences, but in the meantime, let's love each other the best we can.

Sincerely yours,

Mona

Evil People. Yup, they are definitely out there.

I mean, you'd like to think that they don't exist, and I used to be pretty confident that they didn't, but here is a warning... they are out there, and they're coming for you. So hide yo kids, hide you wife, and hide yo husbands because evil people are apparently taking over the world. And yes, maybe "evil" is too harsh, so why don't we settle on selfish, dumb, idiotic and pathetic? Because that about sums up the people I'm about to describe.

To the person that broke into my car for no good reason at hippy, flower, love loving Coachella...


And to the not so lovely sales associate at Sport Chalet that thought it would be fun to steal my iPhone aka the love of my life...


F U for ruining an amazing day with my friends because I was worried about how I was going to get my car fixed. And F U for taking all of my personal information and the pictures and music I treasure more than life.

You know, I'm one of those people that likes to see the good in everyone which sometimes translates into giving horrible people an excuse to be horrible, because they can't be horrible ALL the time, right? You would hope, but I'm starting to understand more and more that there are people out there that just aren't right in the head. I would like to add everyone in the Tea Party, Sarah Palin, and Donald Trump to the list. And Osama Bin Laden, but they already killed him, so we're good. I guess he can still be an honorary member of the shit head club.

If you're reading this, I hope you know that it's really easy to STAY OUT of the shit head club. Honestly...not that hard. I mean I can give you a play by play of how not to be a shit head, but chances are if I need to give you instructions on how NOT to be a shit head, you already are. And yeah, I guess you can reform your ways, but I'd rather not waste my time and energy on shit heads like you. Maybe you can all just move to an island together...you, Sarah Palin, the Tea Party, Osama Bin Laden's ghost, the girl that stole my iPhone and the person that broke into my brand new car. Oh, and the guy from Lincoln Park that tried to rape Antoine Dodson's sister. Because believe it or not, he hasn't been caught yet.

I would love to see what kind of crazy shit happens on your island, I'm just glad I'll be watching from a distance.

Best of luck, shit head.

Absolutely Magical

I don't know if you've noticed, but I love music. A lot. Like feel it in my bones gives me goosebumps type of love. I can't live without it. I used to be the kind of person that could sit in silence and read a book for hours, and I can still read a book for hours, just not in silence. I need to have something on, which is probably why my iPhone battery is always drained. It probably helps that my brother is a music producer and I have amazing friends that expose me to wonderful DJs and bands. But I think my favorite part is that I don't feel the need to identify with one genre.

I can listen to Britney Spears and then skip over to Beirut and then put on some System of a Down and then listen to Zac Brown Band. Throw in some Afrojack and Old Crow Medicine Show and I'll call it a night. But I will obviously only call it a night if my iPhone is on and playing some XX or Angus and Julia Stone, since I can't fall asleep without it. But I guess that's the beauty of being a music fan, I'm not ashamed that I like Britney Spears - yes her voice is nasally and some of her songs make me want to kill myself, but her other songs still make me smile, and that's all that matters, right? I hate it when people claim to be music fans and then give people like me a hard time for listening to the cheesy music I love. If you love music, be respectful of a persons right to listen to whatever they want. My ear drums can be titillated in a completely different way than yours, so recognize that and move on.

Now to the main point of this post...Arcade Fire. I've been listening to Arcade Fire for a while now, but they were never heavy on my rotation. I mean, I've listened to the Mumford and Sons CD 947 times (seriously, ask my iTunes), but I'd listened to their CD a couple times and I was really excited to see them live for the first time at Coachella. I didn't want to hype it up too much in my head because I didn't want to be disappointed, but I knew I was in for a treat. And let me tell you, I was right.

Their show was a total mind f**k, but in the best way possible. I've been trying to describe the experience to people, and the only word that I seem to be able to get out is magical. But that's really what it was. Magic. Like not possible for something to be so amazing, so it must be magic? Yeah, like that. I hope everyone that saw them at Coachella thought the same thing, but again, different strokes for different folks. For me, it was a mind blowing, feel it in my bones, give me goosebumps performance. For others, it could've been just whatever. I'm hoping it was the feel it in the bones kind for everyone.



If you EVER have a chance to see them live, please do so. They made my heart smile that night and I want your heart to smile too. I'm going to see them at Outside Lands in August, go to www.sfoutsidelands.com for tickets so our hearts can smile together.

Making the potentially painful, utterly painless

I picked out my first car the way most 16 year old girls in Orange County do. Spot it. Get dad's attention. Point. Scream out of excitement. That is pretty much the full proof plan to have it waiting in the driveway when you turn 16. I mean it, was a little different since my dad owned a car lot - I just casually mentioned how much I loved the purple pontiac firebird that was on his lot, and it just happened to show up in our driveway when I got my license (I didn't expect that, I promise).

When I totaled the Firebird, my dad showed up with a new Honda Civic and told me I had a $285 payment a month (gasp! the audacity!). I had that Civic for 8 years and ended up selling it on Craigslist in Sacramento before moving back to so cal. Selling on Craigslist is probably the easiest thing you can do, even better than AutoTrader. In my experience, everyone that came to check out the car was a serious buyer, and they didn't waste my time. They weren't coming to me for a joy ride. I don't know why anyone would want to go for a joy ride in a Civic, but you never know what people are into these days.

I was looking at a couple cars before purchasing the Honda CRV. Top of my list was the Lexus IS250, Hyundai Elantra, Nissan Juke, Toyota Prius, Scion XB and the Hond a Insight and Fit. Pretty much all over the place, but I knew I wanted a compact/midsize car.

I think it's really important to do your research online before you go into a dealership so you don't waste your time. The cheaper cars like the Elantra, Honda and Scions all come at a low base price, but as you pile on the extras it really starts to add up. So it's good to have a list of what features you can't compromise on (ex: sunroof, bluetooth, navigation). So after I had my list I went for a bunch of test drives. Because my dad was in car sales, he taught me to not waste a salespersons time. Let them know you are there for a test drive, and don't go during peak hours. Saturdays are the worst. You never want a salesperson to be missing a prospective deal to go on a test drive with you, especially when you aren't planning on making a purchase at that time. So just be mindful of when you go. Sunday mornings are great if you want to go on a weekend, and if you have the luxury of going on a weekday, go during the day, not after work.

Here is how I narrowed down my list - I took the IS250 off because for being a small car the gas mileage is pretty terrible. Also, in the price range I was looking at, I would have to get a used one and I was really excited about a new car, so that came off the list.

The Hyundai Elantra was a great ride and in the price range I have, I could've had it with leather seats, bluetooth, moonroof, etc. But they weren't willing to give me a good lease price on it, and since this is the first year it's been out, I didn't want to risk buying it, especially not knowing what the resale value is going to look like.

The Nissan Juke was probably the cutest car I drove, but as soon as I heard that it only took premium gas, it was out off the list. Pretty ridiculous for a small SUV.

I didn't go for the Prius because they are coming out with the fully electric Prius in 2-3 years, so I figured that can be my next car. The Honda Insight had really low horsepower, and I was convinced I would get into some deathly accident on the 5 because I wouldn't be able to speed up in time. I seriously felt like I was driving a golf cart.

The Scion XB was great and they had an awesome lease deal with a really low money factor (money factor is to a lease what an APR is to a purchase). The equation works differently so you can always ask the dealership to translate the money factor into an APR for you so you know what kind of deal you're getting. I ended up not getting it because they didn't have the color I wanted and I didn't like it enough to wait.

The Honda Fit was thrown out because I felt like I was driving a toy car, it's really great and roomy on the inside, and I totally recommend it if you dig the way it looks, it just wasn't my cup of tea.

The CRV was love at first sight/drive. I never used to like the CRVs. I thought they were ugly and weird looking until I saw a white 2011 CRV. I loved the way it looked and the drive was equally great. Super smooth, barely any outside noise coming in, I was sold.

So the car I wanted was picked out, it came down to getting the best deal on it.

There is an MSRP on the vehicle you want which is the manufacturer's suggested retail price. But there is also an invoice price. The invoice price is the wholesale price the dealership paid the manufacturer for the car. You want to aim to get your car at or under invoice. How does a dealership sell you a car at or below invoice? With help from the car manufacturer. When dealerships build up large inventories of unsold vehicles because of slow sales, they aren't ordering more cars from the factory. The factory doesn't like this so they start offering incentives to customers to buy more cars. Incentives come in the form of 0 percent loans, rebates, special lease deals, etc. Manufacturers also provide factory-to-dealer rebates and bonuses in monthly promotions. Dealers can pass along some of these incentives to their customers. It's good to buy a car from a chain like AutoNation because they buy in such high volume that they get more breaks from the manufacturers. Keep in mind that if you're looking at a car that's in high demand (like the Elantra or the Prius), you're probably not going to be able to get under invoice because the dealerships have no problem moving those cars. So you should have fair expectations when it comes to pricing. Aim for between invoice and MSRP on those vehicles.

To find out what the invoice price is on the car you want you can go to www.edmunds.com or www.cars.com. Once you know the invoice price start emailing all the dealerships around you. I emailed every dealership that was within a one hour driving radius. Go to the car manufacturers website and click on the "request a quote" button. You can specify the exact car you want (if it doesn't let you pick out exactly what you want, put it in the comments section) and ask them what the best deal they can offer you is. As soon as one of them comes back to you with a price under invoice, start bidding that dealership against the others. In my case, Hollywood Honda gave me $300 under invoice, I took that price and asked other internet departments if they could beat that. The internet departments are easy to deal with and you can do everything through email. Internet departments have grown over the years as more people look to ecommerce solutions, so dealers have a big group of sales folks waiting to get back to you.

Once you go into the dealership, it's a different story. Sales and financing are two completely different animals, so you have to make sure your salesperson has your back when it comes to taking you through the financing department. The finance managers want to screw you over and get as much money as they can from you. Honda had advertised a 0.9% APR rate online, but as soon as the finance manager came to talk to me he was showing me the car at a 3.9% APR rate. I told him it wasn't going to happen unless it was at 0.9%. I didn't have to do a lot of back and forth with him, but always be prepared to walk out if you're not getting the deal you want, especially when you know it's a realistic deal. Never get lost in the moment and give in because you were really excited to drive your new car home that day. Car shopping is a total chess game and you have to be prepared to play the game. They will call you back in, trust me.

I ended up getting a really good deal, and the APR I got was ridiculously low. I'm basically paying only $400 of interest on my financing...total. This took a couple weeks, but I think it was definitely worth the time and energy I put into it. Never wait until the last minute to get a car, because that's when you'll get screwed. If you're at the end of your lease and can't wait to purchase or lease again, just rent a car for a week or two to give you some buffer, it would end up costing around the same as a car payment anyway, and it gives you some more time to get the best deal possible.

Hope this was helpful!

No online identity? Get out of my life.

I've been helping Jason find a Coachella ticket on craigslist for a couple weeks now, and as it gets closer to the festival, there are more and more scam artists on craigslist trying to screw over music fans. Some of my favorite shady excuses:

1. "I cancelled my paypal last year"
2. "I share a paypal account with my husband and we are having some problems right now"
3. "I moved to the UK for work and cancelled my paypal account at the same time"
4. "I live in Dallas, send me half now on an H&R Block card and half later"

So how do I know all these people are shady - other than their lack of creativity when coming up with an excuse? When you Google their names and their email addresses you get back ZERO results. Yes, zero. You're telling me someone who went out of their way to get tickets to COACHELLA doesn't have a Facebook account? Ok, so maybe you are anti-social and Facebook is too mainstream for you and you were only planning on going to Coachella so you could rave around in the Sahara tent or be a square bear all weekend. But, you would still have SOME sort of online identity. I'm telling you, these zero online identity people just can't be trusted.

Do a quick test, Google the names of your best friends, girlfriend, boyfriend...if there isn't anything about them online outside of Facebook, dump them or un-best friend them ASAP.

Because seriously, that's a problem. I'd rather know someone with a BAD online identity than ZERO online identity. Sure, it may be that you video tape yourself in the bathroom and you're a mouth breathing high stepper, but that gives me some piece of mind. Very little, but some.

Don't worry though, the fact that you're reading this means that you have some sort of online presence, but if you find out the people you're close with don't, it's time to reevaluate your life.

How to throw the best surprise birthday for your best friend

1. Vegas – check
2. Write a marketing plan for the company she wants to start – check
3. Jump out of an oversized cake – check
4. Carry her around on your shoulders – check
5. Two buffets, two days in a row – check
6. Rollercoaster - check

This past weekend we took Kelly Schmelly to Vegas. Well, I’m actually not going to take the credit. Her boyfriend Erik surprised her (he ruined the surprise a little before, but we forgave him) with a trip to Vegas and tickets to the Beatles Love show.

But we had a few more tricks up our sleeve, and the best part was probably when Feather jumped out of a cake for her. Yes, a pop out cake. Who knew they actually existed? While Kelly and Erik were making their way to the cake surprise, Feather was sitting ever so patiently in the cake for close to an hour.

So you’ve gotta give her props for that. She made good use of her time though and scared every person who walked by the cake by sticking her little baby hand out of the top and doing a creepy baby hand monster wave, or she would just shake the whole cake which made me really nervous because the thing was made out of paper.



We think she had a pretty amazing time, but I don’t want to project. I’ll let her tell you herself. :-)